Conflict Owner's Manual
We help you use conflict competencies you already have, so you can do conflict better. Dr. Deborah Sword is a specialist in conflict analysis and management. Tyson Bankert is a community facilitator and artist. Together we have decades of experience and training in helping people expand their conflict competencies.
Our logo is a dandelion because conflict is like a weed you don't want in the garden. But since it's there, you want to know how to manage it, keep it from spreading, and feel good about how you dealt with it.
Episodes
71 episodes
72 What is a good question?
A good question increases your chance to get good answers. How you think about a good question and its answer is different in the heat of conflict than how you think about questions and answers in calm conversation. What are those differences a...
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Season 3
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Episode 72
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5:51
71 Do you have a mediator's mindset?
Having a mediator's mindset is a valuable skill in any job, not only in the job officially known as mediation. Conflict management is hard and a soft skills to add to your resume. We discuss the ways you can grow your conflict competence with y...
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Season 3
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Episode 71
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9:18
70 What kind of listener are you?
You already have conflict competencies like good listening. But do you use your best listening skill in the heat of conflict? Here are three suggestions to help you bridge the gap between knowing how to listen, and remembering to use your liste...
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Season 3
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Episode 70
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4:15
69 How to build trust in yourself
Perhaps you've taken the course on how to have have difficult conversations. You know how to do it. But now, in real life, do you trust yourself to actually have those difficult conversations? We discuss self-trust building, the role of power i...
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Season 3
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Episode 69
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7:27
68 where did your conflict mental map come from?
Everyone has at least one conflict mental map; a picture in your mind about how you believe conflict should be conducted, and what you expect of those in conflict with you. But where did you form this conflict mental map?show ...
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Season 2
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Episode 68
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5:08
67 Is trust a necessary ingredient for managing your conflicts?
"Trust exists in relationships in different types and amounts. Maybe your friendships have a comfortable, lasting trust between intimates. Or, maybe you don't trust a person at all but have to deal with them. Trust is nice to have, has to be re...
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Season 2
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Episode 67
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11:07
66 How your self-beliefs grow your conflict competence
What you tell yourself about your conflict competencies is what you believe is true. Are you telling yourself information that will grow your skills? On the conflict competence continuum of skills, where you put your pin will influence and info...
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Season 2
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Episode 66
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4:57
65 What life experiences inform your conflict competencies?
Everyone experiences conflict, and has ways of dealing with it but some ways are better than others for improving the quality of your relationships. It's never too late to learn more and better ways. Tyson and Deborah share how they le...
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Season 2
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Episode 65
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12:39
64 How is self awareness a conflict competency?
"Know thyself!" comes to us as philosophical wisdom from antiquity. Self awareness is a conflict competency that increases your adaptability. The self you know is a learning, growing being who strives for quality relationships. Self awareness c...
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Season 2
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Episode 64
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3:51
63 Is your frame big enough to picture your whole conflict?
Everyone has a view of how the world should work according to themselves. Your view is a frame that your holds, among other things, your beliefs, concerns, values, and hopes. But sometimes, your frame rubs wrong against someone else's frame, an...
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Season 2
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Episode 63
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7:14
62 what's in a name? Quite a lot when it's a conflict
You have habits, everyone does. Habits are patterns of how you behave. Once you recognize how you usually or often react in a conflict you have identified your conflict pattern. Name your reaction pattern, the emotions driving that pattern, and...
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Season 2
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Episode 62
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4:04
61 how to use opportunities to change your conflict
Conflicts unfold over time to become patterns. We discuss the many opportunities to manage, shift, change and reframe conflict patterns. When you change the pattern you improve your conflict competence.Tyson refers to adrienne maree brow...
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Season 2
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Episode 61
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12:05
60 How do you show curiosity without sounding judgmental?
Does your attachment to your point of view make your good questions sound like judgments? Here are four steps to showing that your curiosity comes from your good intentions.
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Season 2
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Episode 60
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3:27
59 How do conflict competencies affect politics?
It's election 2025 tomorrow in Canada, and we discuss conflict competence as a skill in every interaction, as well as necessary for democracy, electioneering, voting, and governing.
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Season 2
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Episode 59
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8:14
58 What does it mean to ask "good questions"
Defaulting to curiosity rather than judgement is conflict competent. But, what if that curious question still sounds judgemental? We show you how to ask conflict competent questions, so you can diffuse conflict.The article the explains ...
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Season 2
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Episode 58
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5:49
57 What conflict competencies help overcome biased thinking?
A bias can make decisions easier. You don't have to think hard if you already know your bias for herbal tea and against caffeinated tea. But when biases cause conflict, or stop you from enjoying the company of friends who hold perspectives you ...
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Season 2
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Episode 57
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14:47
56 What's the disconnect between your intention and the impact?
Have you made a comment that you intended as helpful and been criticized rather than thanked? Depending on how you respond in the situation, the cycle of defensive reaction either escalates or is diffused. You can decide if a conflict happens o...
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Season 2
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Episode 56
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5:15
55 How do you express vulnerability in your conflicts?
You have choices about how and when you let the person you're in conflict with know that you're feeling vulnerable. Since your sense of your vulnerability influences the decisions you make in conflict, it's a conflict competence to be mindful o...
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Season 2
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Episode 55
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7:18
54 What's on your conflict mental map?
Everyone has a mental map of what conflict does or should look like, how it unfolds, and your ideal ending. Not everything on your conflict mental map is conflict competent. What may be on your conflict mental map as one of your strategies may ...
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Season 2
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Episode 54
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4:31
53 How shame impacts your conflict competence
Feeling shame doesn't leave you much room for dealing with conflict. Shame fills a lot of space, crowding out empathy and perspective taking. How can you be conflict competent when you're beating up on yourself in shame? We give a few tips....
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Season 2
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Episode 53
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8:52
52 When conflict competence doesn't 'work' for you
Have you taken a conflict course and then not used what you learned? Here's what you're missing when you have the knowledge and don't use it regularly.
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Season 2
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Episode 52
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4:43
51 Four benefits of doing the work to be more conflict competent
Maya Angelou said, “I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” Pretend you have a private studio audience cheering you on when you make people feel ...
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Season 2
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Episode 51
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7:05
50 What you miss when you respond the same to every conflict
You may be comfortable avoiding conflict, which is one of the many responses available to you in conflicts. Avoiding would be your pattern and it can work well. Similarly, you may regularly default to one of the other responses, and that would ...
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Season 2
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Episode 50
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6:10
49 What to do with conflicts stuck in past experiences, present anxieties, or future fears
The words people use can provide insights into what keeps a conflict going. It's a conflict competency to notice the past, present or future tense of words, including your own. Listen to people's word spacers, such as 'er' and 'um' and what wor...
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Season 2
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Episode 49
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8:02
48 The difference between presenting issues and real issues in conflict
Perhaps you know how to say what you want as an 'I message' rather than a 'you message' to avoid antagonizing the other person. I suggest additional strategies that deepen conversations and also go below any superficial presenting issue to the ...
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Season 2
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Episode 48
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6:59