Conflict Owner's Manual
We help you use conflict competencies you already have, so you can do conflict better.
Dr. Deborah Sword is a specialist in conflict analysis and management. Tyson Bankert is a community facilitator and artist. We have decades of experience and training in helping people expand their conflict competencies.
Our logo is a dandelion because conflict is like a weed you don't want in the garden. But since it's there, you want to know how to manage it, keep it from spreading, and feel good about how you dealt with it.
Episodes
79 episodes
80 What conflict competencies might have helped my 20 year old self?
No one is born conflict competent. Babies don't negotiate, they demand. Over time, we grow up and learn people skills. The quality of our relationships improves. For some, with homes that nurture learning these skills, conflict competence comes...
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Season 3
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Episode 80
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3:50
79 Do you and your roommates (or family) need a conflict management plan?
If you find yourself sharing space, whether with a partner, roommate, family, or stranger, it's a good idea to agree with them on a conflict management plan. But, if you didn't have an agreement on how to resolve conflicts before you have a con...
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Season 3
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Episode 79
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12:08
78 How do you use and practice conflict analysis?
The conflict competency I use most often is conflict analysis. You want to answer the right question and resolve the correct conflict, which means analyzing what's really going on. Look beneath the surface, and dig deeper than motives and perso...
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Season 3
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Episode 78
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5:47
77 How to ask good questions that invite conversations
This is the third episode on what makes a good question in conflict situations. We look at the purpose you want your question to serve in the conflict you’re having. The conflict competence is to use good questions as an invitation into a conve...
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Season 3
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Episode 77
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8:52
76 How do you know when to quit trying dialogue?
Are there times when trying dialogue is wasted time? A listener mentions our polarized political climate, and asks if dialogue is always the way to approach emotionally charged differences in opinion. If it's time to stop trying, how would you ...
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Season 3
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Episode 76
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5:39
75 What movie, show or book shows conflict competence done well?
It's an accepted truth of the creative community that conflict is story. No conflict, no story. No conflict is boring, not drama. Or no dramatic story that anyone wants to read or watch. What are the conflict competencies we can learn from rewr...
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Season 3
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Episode 75
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9:22
74 What makes a good question the right question?
A good question is the right question for the conflict you’re having. You’ve heard the expression: there’s no such thing as a silly question. But, in conflict, some questions keep a conflict going, escalate the conflict and/or inflame hard feel...
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Season 3
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Episode 74
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4:48
73 Why describe your conflict in story or simile?
We remember stories better than we remember lectures. Stories entertain, comfort, explain, build bonds, persuade, and teach, among other connections. How you tell the story of your conflict reveals your point of view. We discuss how differing p...
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Season 3
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Episode 73
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10:49
72 What is a good question?
A good question increases your chance to get good answers. How you think about a good question and its answer is different in the heat of conflict than how you think about questions and answers in calm conversation. What are those differences a...
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Season 3
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Episode 72
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5:51
71 Do you have a mediator's mindset?
Having a mediator's mindset is a valuable skill in any job, not only in the job officially known as mediation. Conflict management is hard and a soft skills to add to your resume. We discuss the ways you can grow your conflict competence with y...
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Season 3
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Episode 71
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9:18
70 Three steps to being a better listener, (even when you're upset in the heat of conflict)
You already have conflict competencies like good listening. But do you use your best listening skill in the heat of conflict? Here are three steps to help you bridge the gap between knowing how to listen, and using the listening skills you have...
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Season 3
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Episode 70
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4:15
69 How to build trust in yourself
Perhaps you've taken the course on how to have have difficult conversations. You know how to do it. But now, in real life, do you trust yourself to actually have those difficult conversations? We discuss self-trust building, the role of power i...
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Season 3
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Episode 69
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7:27
68 where did your conflict mental map come from?
Everyone has at least one conflict mental map; a picture in your mind about how you believe conflict should be conducted, and what you expect of those in conflict with you. But where did you form this conflict mental map?show ...
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Season 2
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Episode 68
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5:08
67 Is trust a necessary ingredient for managing your conflicts?
"Trust exists in relationships in different types and amounts. Maybe your friendships have a comfortable, lasting trust between intimates. Or, maybe you don't trust a person at all but have to deal with them. Trust is nice to have, has to be re...
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Season 2
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Episode 67
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11:07
66 How your self-beliefs grow your conflict competence
What you tell yourself about your conflict competencies is what you believe is true. Are you telling yourself information that will grow your skills? On the conflict competence continuum of skills, where you put your pin will influence and info...
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Season 2
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Episode 66
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4:57
65 What life experiences inform your conflict competencies?
Everyone experiences conflict, and has ways of dealing with it but some ways are better than others for improving the quality of your relationships. It's never too late to learn more and better ways. Tyson and Deborah share how they le...
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Season 2
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Episode 65
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12:39
64 How is self awareness a conflict competency?
"Know thyself!" comes to us as philosophical wisdom from antiquity. Self awareness is a conflict competency that increases your adaptability. The self you know is a learning, growing being who strives for quality relationships. Self awareness c...
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Season 2
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Episode 64
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3:51
63 Is your frame big enough to picture your whole conflict?
Everyone has a view of how the world should work according to themselves. Your view is a frame that your holds, among other things, your beliefs, concerns, values, and hopes. But sometimes, your frame rubs wrong against someone else's frame, an...
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Season 2
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Episode 63
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7:14
62 what's in a name? Quite a lot when it's a conflict
You have habits, everyone does. Habits are patterns of how you behave. Once you recognize how you usually or often react in a conflict you have identified your conflict pattern. Name your reaction pattern, the emotions driving that pattern, and...
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Season 2
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Episode 62
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4:04
61 how to use opportunities to change your conflict
Conflicts unfold over time to become patterns. We discuss the many opportunities to manage, shift, change and reframe conflict patterns. When you change the pattern you improve your conflict competence.Tyson refers to adrienne maree brow...
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Season 2
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Episode 61
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12:05
60 How do you show curiosity without sounding judgmental?
Does your attachment to your point of view make your good questions sound like judgments? Here are four steps to showing that your curiosity comes from your good intentions.
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Season 2
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Episode 60
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3:27
59 How do conflict competencies affect politics?
It's election 2025 tomorrow in Canada, and we discuss conflict competence as a skill in every interaction, as well as necessary for democracy, electioneering, voting, and governing.
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Season 2
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Episode 59
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8:14
58 What does it mean to ask "good questions"
Defaulting to curiosity rather than judgement is conflict competent. But, what if that curious question still sounds judgemental? We show you how to ask conflict competent questions, so you can diffuse conflict.The article the explains ...
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Season 2
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Episode 58
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5:49
57 What conflict competencies help overcome biased thinking?
A bias can make decisions easier. You don't have to think hard if you already know your bias for herbal tea and against caffeinated tea. But when biases cause conflict, or stop you from enjoying the company of friends who hold perspectives you ...
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Season 2
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Episode 57
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14:47
56 What's the disconnect between your intention and the impact?
Have you made a comment that you intended as helpful and been criticized rather than thanked? Depending on how you respond in the situation, the cycle of defensive reaction either escalates or is diffused. You can decide if a conflict happens o...
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Season 2
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Episode 56
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5:15