Conflict Owner's Manual
When you improve your conflict skills you improve your relationships. We're tech support for the conflict skills you already have, so you do conflict better.
Our logo is a dandelion because conflict is like a weed invading your garden. You want to know how to manage it, and keep it from spreading. In each episode, we give you one real life conflict competency you can use right away to improve your skills, which will also improve the quality of your relationships.
Dr. Deborah Sword is a specialist in conflict analysis and management. Tyson Bankert is a community facilitator and artist. We have decades of experience helping people improve their conflict competencies.
Episodes
155 episodes
The steps to prevent a conflict before it starts #156
Preventing a conflict from happening feels as good as resolving one after it happens. Conflict prevention is my favourite conflict competency. Maybe you're wondering why you'd want to prevent a conflict. Maybe you think you're compromising a pr...
How to be your own conflict coach #155
Coaches in life, work and sports can add value to your life by helping you explore problems and create solutions. What if you become your own conflict coach?Self-coaching turns your curiosity inward, from asking about the conflict to as...
The hidden conflict skills you don't know you have 154
Conflict owner’s manual has one goal: to help you think about the skills you already have so you can use those skills under pressure. That’s right. You already have most of the skills you need to manage conflict better, but can you use them whe...
What you lose when you insist on winning the conflict 153
Do you try to get the one outcome you prefer in a conflict? You might get your desired outcome, and it might feel like you won. But did getting your way harm the relationship? Doing conflict well doesn't mean getting the outcome yo...
Silence can be a smart thing to say in conflict #152
Most people have been in a conflict where angry words were exchanged, often loudly, as each party attempts to persuade, and win the argument. I show you a conflict skill that can get you out of the argument. Here are three ways you can use sile...
Do your beliefs about conflict add fuel to the fight? #151
From our first experiences with conflict, we form beliefs about how conflict "should" be. What you believe about how conflict "should" be conducted is how you conduct yourself in conflict. How old are your current beliefs about what...
Are you trying to argue someone out of their belief? Do this instead #150
What people believe is how they behave. If you're using arguments to try changing someone's rules, opinions, decisions or perspective, you aren't likely to change their beliefs. Same belief. Same behaviour. Nothing ch...
How you fight vs. how often: which matters more? 149
Maybe not fighting in a relationship is a good sign, and maybe it's a warning flag. How do you tell the difference? Does not fighting mean you're avoiding hard to discuss topics so that there's no conflict? Does that feel like a healthy relatio...
If your conflict OS is outdated, so are your conflicts #148
Are old problems and failed relationships still in charge of your new problems and current relationships? Here are three ways to get better at managing conflicts. When did you last update your beliefs about how to do conflicts better?&...
What is your conflict trying to tell you? #147
Conflicts have important information for you. When you're in conflict, you think about how the other person is wrong, or hurtful or disappointing etc. But, your thoughts are also information you can use to understand yourself, and to turn confl...
Three approaches to owning your conflicts 146
We talk about owning your conflict, but what does it mean to 'own' your conflict? Consider these three meanings of ownership: 1. personal, 2. interpersonal, and 3. using your conflict competencies. Use all three to help you self-regulate, show ...
Can you be impartial while taking a side? #145
Tyson surprised Deborah with a question: Can someone pick a side in a conflict, but then be impartial in the conflict? We discuss the differences in neutrality, impartiality, and advocacy. When faced with polarized conflict, we ten...
When someone won't listen to you, do this. #144
Sometimes, you mean well but the other person in the conflict just won't hear you. Maybe you want to talk, even to apologize, but they've cut you off, blocked and ghosted you. You can still follow these suggestions to own your conflict, and you...
Three questions when someone disappoints you 143
If you are disappointed in someone, it's tempting to blame them for not meeting your expectations. The conflict competent response is to ask yourself these questions, which will improve the quality of your relationship. Is your expectation reas...
Three ways to handle hurt feelings in conflict 142
Feelings are often hurt in conflict, and it's tempting to blame the other person for hurting you. Whether you are 100% at fault for the conflict or did nothing wrong, you can feel hurt. Here are conflict competent ways for you manage the hurt, ...
Two small shifts that make big conflict improvements 141
There are two parts to your conflict competence practice; 1. your actions and 2. your attitude. If you change one of them, you will affect the other. Start small, think of one action or belief to change, do that and see how a small cha...
The hidden superpower of conflict competence 140
You're building conflict competencies to use in conflicts. But, these conflict skills actually apply every place you go, with everyone you meet, in every context and to every situation. While you practice conflict competencies for conflicts, yo...
How to make allies out of people who disagree with you #139
Are you finding it hard to be with people whose personalities and perspectives are different than yours? Maybe your inner conflict holds you back, and maybe difficult people create your conflict. We give you tips for thinking of difficult peopl...
Why you shouldn't have that hard conversation 138
Disagreements on divisive topics are everywhere now. Perhaps you've been told that you should have conversations that feel hard, uncomfortable, or awkward. But does every hard conversation need your input? What if you have valid reasons to not ...
Break the cycle of miscommunication 137
Have you ever had an experience where words are spoken but they aren't responded to? Words aren't always communication. Sometimes, exchanging words can even miscommunicate, like when everyone just repeats their position or talking points. Then,...
When they don't listen to your facts, do this instead 136
Even people you like can make you feel their opinions are attacking you. Sometimes, you have facts to back you up but they won't listen. You may not agree with what they say but you can't convince them that your facts are correct. Here are four...
What to do when emotions keep you in a conflict 135
Is your opponent in a conflict lying, or do you reject their facts because you don't trust them to tell the truth? You may think that first you believe a fact, and then decide how you feel about the fact. More likely, first you have a feeling, ...
How to get along with difficult people 134
Getting along with people improves your happiness. But, maybe you can't find a way to get along with difficult people. They trigger you to react, and that ends up in a conflict. The situation is not hopeless. You already have answers to three h...
How to find, fix, and fill gaps in your conflict skills 133
Is there a gap between the conflict you have and the skills you own to deal with that conflict? If you want to improve the quality of your relationships, you'll want to find your skill gaps to fill them. We discuss how to find, fix, and fill yo...
How to turn your fear into an ally in conflict 132
Actors use their fears and high emotions to inspire their performances. You can too. Your fears are an energy source and your thoughts are information about the situation. Your fears tell you what you anticipate might happen, and your ...