Conflict Owner's Manual
Expert tips to help you use the conflict competencies you already have, so you can do conflict better.
Our logo is a dandelion because conflict is like a weed you don't want in the garden. But since it's there, you want to know how to manage it, keep it from spreading, and feel good about how you dealt with it.
Episodes
57 episodes
58 What does it mean to ask "good questions"
Defaulting to curiosity rather than judgement is conflict competent. But, what if that curious question still sounds judgemental? We show you how to ask conflict competent questions, so you can diffuse conflict.The article the explains ...
•
Season 2
•
Episode 58
•
5:49
57 What conflict competencies help overcome biased thinking?
A bias can make decisions easier. You don't have to think hard if you already know your bias for herbal tea and against caffeinated tea. But when biases cause conflict, or stop you from enjoying the company of friends who hold perspectives you ...
•
Season 2
•
Episode 57
•
14:47
56 What's the disconnect between your intention and the impact?
Have you made a comment that you intended as helpful and been criticized rather than thanked? Depending on how you respond in the situation, the cycle of defensive reaction either escalates or is diffused. You can decide if a conflict happens o...
•
Season 2
•
Episode 56
•
5:15
55 How do you express vulnerability in your conflicts?
You have choices about how and when you let the person you're in conflict with know that you're feeling vulnerable. Since your sense of your vulnerability influences the decisions you make in conflict, it's a conflict competence to be mindful o...
•
Season 2
•
Episode 55
•
7:18
54 What's on your conflict mental map?
Everyone has a mental map of what conflict does or should look like, how it unfolds, and your ideal ending. Not everything on your conflict mental map is conflict competent. What may be on your conflict mental map as one of your strategies may ...
•
Season 2
•
Episode 54
•
4:31
53 How shame impacts your conflict competence
Feeling shame doesn't leave you much room for dealing with conflict. Shame fills a lot of space, crowding out empathy and perspective taking. How can you be conflict competent when you're beating up on yourself in shame? We give a few tips....
•
Season 2
•
Episode 53
•
8:52
52 When conflict competence doesn't 'work' for you
Have you taken a conflict course and then not used what you learned? Here's what you're missing when you have the knowledge and don't use it regularly.
•
Season 2
•
Episode 52
•
4:43
51 Four benefits of doing the work to be more conflict competent
Maya Angelou said, “I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” Pretend you have a private studio audience cheering you on when you make people feel ...
•
Season 2
•
Episode 51
•
7:05
50 What you miss when you respond the same to every conflict
You may be comfortable avoiding conflict, which is one of the many responses available to you in conflicts. Avoiding would be your pattern and it can work well. Similarly, you may regularly default to one of the other responses, and that would ...
•
Season 2
•
Episode 50
•
6:10
49 What to do with conflicts stuck in past experiences, present anxieties, or future fears
The words people use can provide insights into what keeps a conflict going. It's a conflict competency to notice the past, present or future tense of words, including your own. Listen to people's word spacers, such as 'er' and 'um' and what wor...
•
Season 2
•
Episode 49
•
8:02
48 The difference between presenting issues and real issues in conflict
Perhaps you know how to say what you want as an 'I message' rather than a 'you message' to avoid antagonizing the other person. I suggest additional strategies that deepen conversations and also go below any superficial presenting issue to the ...
•
Season 2
•
Episode 48
•
6:59
47 Train your brain for conflict competence
Your brain uses your senses to collect data, interpret the information, make a risk assessment, and report to you at the speed of thought. Your brain predicts what is happening, and what might happen, so that you can react. For your reaction to...
•
Season 2
•
Episode 47
•
9:36
46 How to decide whether to engage in, ignore or avoid conflict
Your values and many other factors influence your decision to engage with conflict, how you engage, or if you won't engage. You have more choices than you know. In making your decisions, ask yourself, How Is This About Me (H.I.T.A.M.) and Why A...
•
Season 2
•
Episode 46
•
5:06
45 How empathy mapping builds conflict competence
When you understand another person, conversations can flow. Perhaps you've heard the expression: 'meet people where they are' and wondered how to do that. We describe empathy mapping and conversation analysis, which are two conflict competent a...
•
Season 2
•
Episode 45
•
11:55
44 How to fix talking past each other
Some conversations just miss; you aren't on the same wavelength, no one seems to listen, and you feel verbally attacked. There are two conflict competence skills that get those heated debates back on track.
•
Season 2
•
Episode 44
•
5:02
43 What conflict competent tools deal with bullies?
Bullies exert power over someone, perhaps to achieve a goal, and perhaps that goal is simple intimidation for selfish rewards. The bully's target has little control over an uneven and unfair conflict that the bully instigates. But, the ta...
•
Season 2
•
Episode 43
•
10:50
42 How assumptions, beliefs and intentions interact in conflicts
Intentions are invisible. We predict and assume what someone intends, and then act as if what we believe is true. Game on for conflict. There are conflict competent approaches to clarifying someone's intention before we react as if what we assu...
•
Season 2
•
Episode 42
•
3:35
41 How to be conflict competent when provoked
There are many common statements that trigger conflict. We give strategies for how you can respond when someone pushes your buttons.
•
Season 2
•
Episode 41
•
13:41
40 Are any ghosts haunting your conflict?
If someone is trying to insert themselves into your conflict, they're like a conflict ghost. They aren't parties to the conflict, but they want to influence it anyway. Here are suggestions for conflict competent strategies to exorcise the ghost...
•
Season 2
•
Episode 40
•
4:44
39 Why you might be reluctant to apologize
Is there a downside to apologizing? What if your apology isn't accepted? We discuss the conflict competence you gain when you take a chance to offer an apology.
•
Season 2
•
Episode 39
•
6:14
38 What's more effective than calling out someone you disagree with?
It's fast and easy to call out someone for an opinion or action, but is it effective? There are more conflict competent and effective steps than calling out. Deborah recommends Dr. Loretta Ross's new book, Calling In: how to start making change...
•
Season 2
•
Episode 38
•
5:03
37 What if you are given an "either this or that" forced choice?
Sometimes only two options exist, and neither is ideal. Sometimes, you can expand your choices. If you want better options, can you make the options better? We discuss how.
•
Season 2
•
Episode 37
•
9:33
36 How do gossip and conflict relate to each other?
Gossip may never interact with conflict, or it may cause it conflict and conflict may cause gossip. What are conflict competent responses when conflict and gossip interact in a feedback loop?
•
Season 2
•
Episode 36
•
5:51