Conflict Owner's Manual
Yes, we are your conflict tech support. We help you improve conflict competencies you already have. Our logo is a dandelion because conflict is like a weed invading your garden. You want to know how to manage it, and keep it from spreading. In each episode, we give you one real life conflict competency you can use right away to improve your skills, which will also improve the quality of your relationships.
Dr. Deborah Sword is a specialist in conflict analysis and management. Tyson Bankert is a community facilitator and artist. We have decades of experience helping people improve their conflict competencies.
Episodes
133 episodes
How to get along with difficult people 134
Getting along with people improves your happiness. But, maybe you can't find a way to get along with difficult people. They trigger you to react, and that ends up in a conflict. The situation is not hopeless. You already have answers to three h...
How to find and fix your conflict skills gap 133
Everyone handles conflict somehow. But different conflicts respond to different conflict skills. Your skills gap is the difference between the conflict you have, and your ability to deal with that specific conflict. What's conflict competent at...
How to turn your fear into an ally in conflict 132
Actors use their fears and high emotions to inspire their performances. You can too. Your fears are an energy source and your thoughts are information about the situation. Your fears tell you what you anticipate might happen, and your ...
What if your beliefs about conflict keep you stuck? 131
131 Use these four self-assessments to dig into how your beliefs about conflict keep you stuck. These self-assessments help you level up your conflict competencies.You need these self-assessments if your conflicts hang on because you hav...
Does your conflict recipe miss key ingredients? 130
You weren't born knowing how to cook a meal or handle conflict. You learned basic cooking and, to improve your kitchen skills, you practiced and got better at making meals. It's the same with conflict. You learn the basics, practice and get bet...
129 Can you be conflict competent and win the argument?
Have you tried to be more conflict competent but what you tried wasn't successful? Yeah, it's frustrating to try without improving the relationship or ending the conflict. But, was your goal to succeed in being conflict competent, or t...
128 How do you thaw a frosty relationship (if they won't reciprocate*)?
Have you've tried everything to end a conflict but the person who's got a problem with you just won't reciprocate*? Is there anything you can do to get that problem unstuck? Yes, yes there are a few more conflict competencies to try. Here's how...
127 What fight are you trying to win? When your facts won't change their mind
How do you react when someone tells you that you're wrong? If the 'facts' support your argument, shouldn't that be enough to prove you're right? But, does that proof change anyone's mind? We discuss conflicts that get stuck because you feel com...
126 Better than counting to 10: Five valuable ways to handle emotion in conflict
Perhaps you've heard the advice to count to 10 when you're upset, before you respond. Good advice if you're the upset person. Not as useful if someone is upset with you. At the end of counting to 10, you've counted to 10. Then what? Ye...
125 Heroes and villains don't fight about their worldviews (but you really should)
You think that your beliefs are correct, right? They must be. After all, who wants to think their view of how the world works and their beliefs are wrong? But the person you're disagreeing with also thinks their view of how the world w...
124 Three conflict competent ways to get the other person to listen to you
Conversations flow when people take turns speaking. Turn taking in relaxed settings feels fair and companionable. In conflict, turn taking is used to show why you're right and the other person is wrong. No wonder the other person doesn't give y...
123 What depletes your conflict competence?
Have you had some situations, some conflicts, or some people who test the conflict competency skills you've been working to improve? If you recognize when your conflict skills are being drained then you have another conflict competency. You kno...
122 Five ways to stay non defensive when you're feeling attacked
Tense situations come with high emotions and drama. It's hard to to be non defensive, even when you want to. A listener asked for a step-by-step guide to being non defensive. While there's not a one-size-fits-all-guide for any conflict, here ar...
121 When a conflict ends but it's on replay in your mind
Perhaps a bad relationship, (or even a good relationship) ends, but it leaves questions and emotions stuck in your mind. Or the fight is over, the other person is gone, and you still have the fight going on. Only now you supply the dialogue for...
120 How to make your conflict a positive experience
Conflict can be a positive experience. It takes practice, is worth the effort, and here's a tip for how to do it.With practice, your conflicts will feel not to hard or soft, too hot or cold. You can keep conflict in the "just right" Gold...
119 Before conflict escalates, consider these options
Was there a friend who hurt your feelings, but denied doing it? Who is correct, you who felt harmed or your friend who won't admit doing harm? We discuss how you can improve your conflict competencies to solve this puzzle. You'll get options to...
118 When you feel self defensive, use these conflict competencies
Have you ever felt judged or criticized? Did you react defensively, and then they get defensive, and soon the mutual defensiveness escalates (known as tit-for-tat) into a conflict? You defend with "Yes, but..." to explain yourself, ...
117 Is your conflict on repeat? You can change that conflict pattern with a (surprise) script
Conflicts in relationships tend to follow patterns, and conflict patterns get stuck in scripts that are hard to change. The good news, one person (you for example) can take the initiative to change a conflict pattern. It takes time for the old ...
116 Three kinds of thoughts that block your conflict competence
When you meet someone, you leave impressions on each other. You can't know for sure what impression you leave, but you can guess. And, then you'll behave as if your guess is correct. Feeling misunderstood and judged? You'll act as if you are mi...
115 How do you manage in polarized debates?
Have you been uncomfortable when someone you disagree with insists on telling you why you're wrong? We discuss some conflict competent responses to bridge the gap between you and the person who is scolding you. We use examples of polarizing top...
114 Is perspective taking a skill that diffuses conflict?
What happens when your discomfort with taking risks clashes with someone's need to be on time? Or, you think your comment is realistic but someone calls you a negative thinker for saying it? We show how to use Perspective Taking to tur...
113 What stops you listening and how to fix it
Are you more polite to strangers than to friends? Do friends trigger you in ways that co-workers don't? Why do you listen and react differently to your loved one than with a friend? Listening is one of the greatest gifts we can give...
112 What's a good breakup?
Have you ever dumped a friend? Did you do it well? Would the dumped friend agree you did it well? Or, have you stayed friends with someone for a reason other than enjoying their company? We discuss some conflict competencies for breaking up wit...
111 The benefits you get from trying to be conflict competent
Sure, there are lots of benefits to handling your conflicts competently. And there's also effort involved. How do you stay motivated enough to make that effort? Tyson and Deborah chat about the conflict competencies acquired from the effort of ...
110 How is your relatability a conflict competence?
Do you want to be so likeable that you never have conflict? Is your goal to be so nice that any conflict is either avoided or is resolved as fast as possible? We suggest that being relatable might be the conflict competency you're looking for.<...