Conflict Owner's Manual
Yes, we are your conflict tech support. We help you improve conflict competencies you already have. Our logo is a dandelion because conflict is like a weed invading your garden. You want to know how to manage it, and keep it from spreading. In each episode, we give you one real life conflict competency you can use right away to improve your skills, which will also improve the quality of your relationships.
Dr. Deborah Sword is a specialist in conflict analysis and management. Tyson Bankert is a community facilitator and artist. We have decades of experience helping people improve their conflict competencies.
Episodes
127 episodes
128 How do you thaw a frosty relationship (if they won't reciprocate*)?
Have you've tried everything to end a conflict but the person who's got a problem with you just won't reciprocate*? Is there anything you can do to get that problem unstuck? Yes, yes there are a few more conflict competencies to try. Here's how...
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Season 5
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Episode 128
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7:20
127 What fight are you trying to win? When your facts won't change their mind
How do you react when someone tells you that you're wrong? If the 'facts' support your argument, shouldn't that be enough to prove you're right? But, does that proof change anyone's mind? We discuss conflicts that get stuck because you feel com...
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Season 5
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Episode 127
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6:47
126 Better than counting to 10: Five valuable ways to handle emotion in conflict
Perhaps you've heard the advice to count to 10 when you're upset, before you respond. Good advice if you're the upset person. Not as useful if someone is upset with you. At the end of counting to 10, you've counted to 10. Then what? Ye...
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Season 5
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Episode 126
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5:23
125 Heroes and villains don't fight about their worldviews (but you really should)
You think that your beliefs are correct, right? They must be. After all, who wants to think their view of how the world works and their beliefs are wrong? But the person you're disagreeing with also thinks their view of how the world w...
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Season 5
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Episode 125
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8:32
124 Three conflict competent ways to get the other person to listen to you
Conversations flow when people take turns speaking. Turn taking in relaxed settings feels fair and companionable. In conflict, turn taking is used to show why you're right and the other person is wrong. No wonder the other person doesn't give y...
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Season 5
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Episode 124
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5:57
123 What depletes your conflict competence?
Have you had some situations, some conflicts, or some people who test the conflict competency skills you've been working to improve? If you recognize when your conflict skills are being drained then you have another conflict competency. You kno...
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Season 5
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Episode 123
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7:30
122 Five ways to stay non defensive when you're feeling attacked
Tense situations come with high emotions and drama. It's hard to to be non defensive, even when you want to. A listener asked for a step-by-step guide to being non defensive. While there's not a one-size-fits-all-guide for any conflict, here ar...
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Season 5
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Episode 122
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5:12
121 When a conflict ends but it's on replay in your mind
Perhaps a bad relationship, (or even a good relationship) ends, but it leaves questions and emotions stuck in your mind. Or the fight is over, the other person is gone, and you still have the fight going on. Only now you supply the dialogue for...
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Season 5
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Episode 121
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5:41
120 How to make your conflict a positive experience
Conflict can be a positive experience. It takes practice, is worth the effort, and here's a tip for how to do it.With practice, your conflicts will feel not to hard or soft, too hot or cold. You can keep conflict in the "just right" Gold...
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Season 5
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Episode 120
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5:26
119 Before conflict escalates, consider these options
Was there a friend who hurt your feelings, but denied doing it? Who is correct, you who felt harmed or your friend who won't admit doing harm? We discuss how you can improve your conflict competencies to solve this puzzle. You'll get options to...
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Season 5
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Episode 119
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9:33
118 When you feel self defensive, use these conflict competencies
Have you ever felt judged or criticized? Did you react defensively, and then they get defensive, and soon the mutual defensiveness escalates (known as tit-for-tat) into a conflict? You defend with "Yes, but..." to explain yourself, ...
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Season 5
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Episode 118
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7:45
117 Is your conflict on repeat? You can change that conflict pattern with a (surprise) script
Conflicts in relationships tend to follow patterns, and conflict patterns get stuck in scripts that are hard to change. The good news, one person (you for example) can take the initiative to change a conflict pattern. It takes time for the old ...
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Season 5
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Episode 117
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8:26
116 Three kinds of thoughts that block your conflict competence
When you meet someone, you leave impressions on each other. You can't know for sure what impression you leave, but you can guess. And, then you'll behave as if your guess is correct. Feeling misunderstood and judged? You'll act as if you are mi...
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Season 4
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Episode 116
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7:02
115 How do you manage in polarized debates?
Have you been uncomfortable when someone you disagree with insists on telling you why you're wrong? We discuss some conflict competent responses to bridge the gap between you and the person who is scolding you. We use examples of polarizing top...
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Season 4
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Episode 115
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8:51
114 Is perspective taking a skill that diffuses conflict?
What happens when your discomfort with taking risks clashes with someone's need to be on time? Or, you think your comment is realistic but someone calls you a negative thinker for saying it? We show how to use Perspective Taking to tur...
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Season 4
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Episode 114
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9:46
113 What stops you listening and how to fix it
Are you more polite to strangers than to friends? Do friends trigger you in ways that co-workers don't? Why do you listen and react differently to your loved one than with a friend? Listening is one of the greatest gifts we can give...
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Season 4
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Episode 113
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8:01
112 What's a good breakup?
Have you ever dumped a friend? Did you do it well? Would the dumped friend agree you did it well? Or, have you stayed friends with someone for a reason other than enjoying their company? We discuss some conflict competencies for breaking up wit...
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Season 4
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Episode 112
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8:06
111 The benefits you get from trying to be conflict competent
Sure, there are lots of benefits to handling your conflicts competently. And there's also effort involved. How do you stay motivated enough to make that effort? Tyson and Deborah chat about the conflict competencies acquired from the effort of ...
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Season 4
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Episode 111
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7:38
110 How is your relatability a conflict competence?
Do you want to be so likeable that you never have conflict? Is your goal to be so nice that any conflict is either avoided or is resolved as fast as possible? We suggest that being relatable might be the conflict competency you're looking for.<...
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Season 4
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Episode 110
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5:35
108 What benefits do you get from conflict competence?
How do you feel during and after you have a conflict? Our goal is for you to manage your conflicts well enough that you don't feel bad, awful, or regret. You'll do conflict better when you know the real issue that's the problem, and then choose...
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Season 4
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Episode 108
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6:16
109 What conflict competencies help when you're overwhelmed
These are overwhelming and complex times, with demands on our time and resources from many directions. Sometimes, you need help sorting out how to address your internal conflicts. We demonstrate a process, name some conflict competencies to use...
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Season 4
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Episode 109
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5:09
106 How do you conduct a conflict communication audit
A conflict communication audit takes a lot of context and factors into account. But all of those factors are within your control. In this second episode about conflict communication audits, (listen to episode 107 for the first part) are five co...
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Season 4
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Episode 106
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7:15
107 Have you done your conflict communication audit?
Perhaps you ask: "What's a conflict communication audit and why do one?" It isn't like a corporate communication audit of executive memos and such. Do you understand how you show up in a conflict? Your conflict communication audit includes your...
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Season 4
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Episode 107
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6:06
105 Resolution emerges from owning your conflict
Here's what's unique about this podcast: Our belief is that you already have skills to manage conflict. We help you practice your skills, so you improve your conflict competencies. Rather than focusing on resolving any particular confl...
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Season 4
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Episode 105
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7:02
104 Superman's intentions are a conflict competence
The movie, Superman, is a fun practice tool for analyzing how intentions matter in conflicts. As you intend, your actions follow. As Superman fights Lex Luthor's metahumans on the battlefield, they also wage a media war of words to win public b...
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Season 4
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Episode 104
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9:49