Conflict Owner's Manual
We help you use conflict competencies you already have, so you can do conflict better.
Dr. Deborah Sword is a specialist in conflict analysis and management. Tyson Bankert is a community facilitator and artist. We have decades of experience and training in helping people expand their conflict competencies.
Our logo is a dandelion because conflict is like a weed you don't want in the garden. But since it's there, you want to know how to manage it, keep it from spreading, and feel good about how you dealt with it.
Episodes
96 episodes
97 How to use cartoons to practice conflict competence
You can practice conflict competence almost anywhere, using every interaction, even characters' dialogue in cartoons. Using two cartoons as examples, we analyze the scripts for the opportunities to understand each other that the characters miss...
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Season 4
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Episode 97
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11:46
96 Did your simple conflict get complicated fast?
Some conflicts expand beyond their origin story, so you lose track of who started the conflict, and what your original conflict conflict goals were. That's conflict creep, where conflict exceeds the simpler scope and more limited objectives you...
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Season 3
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Episode 96
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6:18
95 The good, bad, and ugly of being avoided
What skills help in a conflict where you're willing to talk but the other person is avoiding you? We discuss conflict styles, so that you can choose what's most conflict competent to use in the context, situation, and relationship.
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Season 3
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Episode 95
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11:09
94 What's the harm of a polarized conflict?
Even regular folks like us are affected by this era of polarized conflict. It isn't just politics and social media that has become polarized in how conflicts play out. What does it mean for our personal relationships and ourselves personally wh...
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Season 3
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Episode 94
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5:50
93 The good, bad, and ugly of competing as a conflict competency
You have at least five conflict management styles available to use, depending on the context and the relationship. Your conflict competency is using the most appropriate conflict management style for the situation, and the outcome you hope to a...
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Season 3
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Episode 93
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9:13
92 How to talk about workplace conflict at a job interview
What does a good wellness program at work offer? The 2024, Wellhub State of Work-life Wellness Report lists some of the benefits of a good wellness program. Mostly missing is the benefit of a good conflict management system. Here are tips for d...
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Season 3
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Episode 92
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3:29
91 The good, bad, and ugly of compromising as a conflict competency
We continue exploring the conflict management styles you have available to use, depending on the context and the relationship. Your conflict competency is using the most appropriate conflict management style for the situation, and the outcome y...
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Season 3
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Episode 91
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8:58
90 What is a conflict management mindset?
You use your conflict competencies in every conflict. You can choose how your conflict competency and managing conflict work together. The key is your awareness of your conflict management mindset. Here are a few tips for powering the mindset t...
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Season 3
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Episode 90
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4:32
89 The good, bad, and ugly of accommodating as a conflict competency
There is no 'best' conflict management style to use in all contexts and for all relationships. Your conflict competency is using the most appropriate conflict management style for the situation, the context, and the relationship.You have...
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Season 3
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Episode 89
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8:27
88 How do you resolve a communication mismatch?
Sometimes, even when you try hard to resolve a conflict you hit an impasse. There are many possible reasons that a conflict resists resolution, and one is when your communication styles are so different that you become impatient and frustrated ...
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Season 3
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Episode 88
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5:36
87 Watch TV to practice conflict analysis
Being able to analyze conflict is one of the most important conflict competencies. You will want to know what's really going on, underneath the issue that seems to be what the conflict is about. If you understand what the actual conflict reveal...
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Season 3
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Episode 87
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9:11
86 What's the right age for repairing a relationship?
Tyson and I are grateful to have Conflict Owners Manual listeners ranging in age from teen to seniors. Who is too young and who is too old to improve their conflict competence? Only you can decide when you're ready. But, there's one more consid...
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Season 3
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Episode 86
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5:03
85 How to stay non-defensive when verbally attacked
When others verbally attack you, it's hard to keep your cool. Three common but ineffective arguments an opponent might use against you are: 1. ad hominem attacks, (attacking you personally rather than discussing what you said)2. "s...
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Season 3
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Episode 85
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12:16
84 What conflict competencies might have helped my 40 year old self?
Some conflict competencies are subtle and invisible to others. Two skills start as small differences in your approach to conflict that lead to a big difference in outcomes. One skill applies to your mindset, and what you believe. The other skil...
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Season 3
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Episode 84
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3:59
83 What do you fear in conflict?
What would your situation look like if you weren't afraid? Fear is a 360 degree driver of conflict, from starting conflict to escalation, to creating impasse, to preventing implementation of an agreement. There are conflict competencies for mee...
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Season 3
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Episode 83
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10:08
82 What conflict competencies would you wish for your 30-year-old self?
No one is born conflict competent. Over time, we learn complex communication. The quality of our relationships improves. In this second take on what skills we wish our younger selves had known, we move up a decade to slightly more advanced conf...
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Season 3
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Episode 82
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3:31
81 How conflict competence impacts loneliness for the better
Conflict competence improves quality of relationships. Building community improves quality of life. In this era of loneliness, where friends are so important, are your relationships dependent on your friends having opinions you agree with or li...
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Season 3
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Episode 81
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8:03
80 What conflict competencies would you wish for your 20-year-old self?
No one is born conflict competent. Babies don't negotiate, they demand. Over time, we grow up and learn people skills. The quality of our relationships improves. For some, with homes that nurture learning these skills, conflict competence comes...
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Season 3
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Episode 80
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3:50
79 Do you and your roommates (or family) need a conflict management plan?
If you find yourself sharing space, whether with a partner, roommate, family, or stranger, it's a good idea to agree with them on a conflict management plan. But, if you didn't have an agreement on how to resolve conflicts before you have a con...
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Season 3
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Episode 79
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12:08
78 How do you use and practice conflict analysis?
The conflict competency I use most often is conflict analysis. You want to answer the right question and resolve the correct conflict, which means analyzing what's really going on. Look beneath the surface, and dig deeper than motives and perso...
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Season 3
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Episode 78
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5:47
77 How to ask good questions that invite conversations
This is the third episode on what makes a good question in conflict situations. We look at the purpose you want your question to serve in the conflict you’re having. The conflict competence is to use good questions as an invitation into a conve...
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Season 3
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Episode 77
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8:52
76 How do you know when to quit trying dialogue?
Are there times when trying dialogue is wasted time? A listener mentions our polarized political climate, and asks if dialogue is always the way to approach emotionally charged differences in opinion. If it's time to stop trying, how would you ...
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Season 3
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Episode 76
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5:39
75 What movie, show or book shows conflict competence done well?
It's an accepted truth of the creative community that conflict is story. No conflict, no story. No conflict is boring, not drama. Or no dramatic story that anyone wants to read or watch. What are the conflict competencies we can learn from rewr...
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Season 3
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Episode 75
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9:22
74 What makes a good question the right question?
A good question is the right question for the conflict you’re having. You’ve heard the expression: there’s no such thing as a silly question. But, in conflict, some questions keep a conflict going, escalate the conflict and/or inflame hard feel...
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Season 3
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Episode 74
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4:48
73 Why describe your conflict in story or simile?
We remember stories better than we remember lectures. Stories entertain, comfort, explain, build bonds, persuade, and teach, among other connections. How you tell the story of your conflict reveals your point of view. We discuss how differing p...
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Season 3
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Episode 73
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10:49