Conflict Owner's Manual
When you improve your conflict skills you improve your relationships. We're tech support for the conflict skills you already have, so you do conflict better.
Our logo is a dandelion because conflict is like a weed invading your garden. You want to know how to manage it, and keep it from spreading. In each episode, we give you one real life conflict competency you can use right away to improve your skills, which will also improve the quality of your relationships.
Dr. Deborah Sword is a specialist in conflict analysis and management. Tyson Bankert is a community facilitator and artist. We have decades of experience helping people improve their conflict competencies.
Episodes
147 episodes
Update your conflict competence with these three steps #148
What if you could be better at the conflicts you have by thinking about conflict in general? I show you how to conduct an overview of your general conflict beliefs, so you’re better able to manage your own conflicts. I guide you doing the overv...
What is your conflict trying to tell you? #147
Conflicts have important information for you. When you're in conflict, you think about how the other person is wrong, or hurtful or disappointing etc. But, your thoughts are also information you can use to understand yourself, and to turn confl...
Three approaches to owning your conflicts 146
We talk about owning your conflict, but what does it mean to 'own' your conflict? Consider these three meanings of ownership: 1. personal, 2. interpersonal, and 3. using your conflict competencies. Use all three to help you self-regulate, show ...
Can you be impartial while taking a side? #145
Tyson surprised Deborah with a question: Can someone pick a side in a conflict, but then be impartial in the conflict? We discuss the differences in neutrality, impartiality, and advocacy. When faced with polarized conflict, we ten...
When someone won't listen to you, do this. #144
Sometimes, you mean well but the other person in the conflict just won't hear you. Maybe you want to talk, even to apologize, but they've cut you off, blocked and ghosted you. You can still follow these suggestions to own your conflict, and you...
Three questions when someone disappoints you 143
If you are disappointed in someone, it's tempting to blame them for not meeting your expectations. The conflict competent response is to ask yourself these questions, which will improve the quality of your relationship. Is your expectation reas...
Three ways to handle hurt feelings in conflict 142
Feelings are often hurt in conflict, and it's tempting to blame the other person for hurting you. Whether you are 100% at fault for the conflict or did nothing wrong, you can feel hurt. Here are conflict competent ways for you manage the hurt, ...
Two small shifts that make big conflict improvements 141
There are two parts to your conflict competence practice; 1. your actions and 2. your attitude. If you change one of them, you will affect the other. Start small, think of one action or belief to change, do that and see how a small cha...
The hidden superpower of conflict competence 140
You're building conflict competencies to use in conflicts. But, these conflict skills actually apply every place you go, with everyone you meet, in every context and to every situation. While you practice conflict competencies for conflicts, yo...
How to make allies out of people who disagree with you #139
Are you finding it hard to be with people whose personalities and perspectives are different than yours? Maybe your inner conflict holds you back, and maybe difficult people create your conflict. We give you tips for thinking of difficult peopl...
Why you shouldn't have that hard conversation 138
Disagreements on divisive topics are everywhere now. Perhaps you've been told that you should have conversations that feel hard, uncomfortable, or awkward. But does every hard conversation need your input? What if you have valid reasons to not ...
Break the cycle of miscommunication 137
Have you ever had an experience where words are spoken but they aren't responded to? Words aren't always communication. Sometimes, exchanging words can even miscommunicate, like when everyone just repeats their position or talking points. Then,...
When they don't listen to your facts, do this instead 136
Even people you like can make you feel their opinions are attacking you. Sometimes, you have facts to back you up but they won't listen. You may not agree with what they say but you can't convince them that your facts are correct. Here are four...
What to do when emotions keep you in a conflict 135
Is your opponent in a conflict lying, or do you reject their facts because you don't trust them to tell the truth? You may think that first you believe a fact, and then decide how you feel about the fact. More likely, first you have a feeling, ...
How to get along with difficult people 134
Getting along with people improves your happiness. But, maybe you can't find a way to get along with difficult people. They trigger you to react, and that ends up in a conflict. The situation is not hopeless. You already have answers to three h...
How to bridge the gap in your conflict competence 133
Everyone handles conflict somehow. But different conflicts respond to different conflict skills. Your skills gap is the difference between the conflict you have, and your ability to deal with that specific conflict. What's conflict competent at...
How to turn your fear into an ally in conflict 132
Actors use their fears and high emotions to inspire their performances. You can too. Your fears are an energy source and your thoughts are information about the situation. Your fears tell you what you anticipate might happen, and your ...
What if your beliefs about conflict keep you stuck? 131
131 Use these four self-assessments to dig into how your beliefs about conflict keep you stuck. These self-assessments help you level up your conflict competencies.You need these self-assessments if your conflicts hang on because you hav...
Does your conflict recipe miss key ingredients? 130
You weren't born knowing how to cook a meal or handle conflict. You learned basic cooking and, to improve your kitchen skills, you practiced and got better at making meals. It's the same with conflict. You learn the basics, practice and get bet...
129 Can you be conflict competent and win the argument?
Have you tried to be more conflict competent but what you tried wasn't successful? Yeah, it's frustrating to try without improving the relationship or ending the conflict. But, was your goal to succeed in being conflict competent, or t...
128 How do you thaw a frosty relationship (if they won't reciprocate*)?
Have you've tried everything to end a conflict but the person who's got a problem with you just won't reciprocate*? Is there anything you can do to get that problem unstuck? Yes, yes there are a few more conflict competencies to try. Here's how...
127 What fight are you trying to win? When your facts won't change their mind
How do you react when someone tells you that you're wrong? If the 'facts' support your argument, shouldn't that be enough to prove you're right? But, does that proof change anyone's mind? We discuss conflicts that get stuck because you feel com...
126 Better than counting to 10: Five valuable ways to handle emotion in conflict
Perhaps you've heard the advice to count to 10 when you're upset, before you respond. Good advice if you're the upset person. Not as useful if someone is upset with you. At the end of counting to 10, you've counted to 10. Then what? Ye...
125 Heroes and villains don't fight about their worldviews (but you really should)
You think that your beliefs are correct, right? They must be. After all, who wants to think their view of how the world works and their beliefs are wrong? But the person you're disagreeing with also thinks their view of how the world w...
124 Three conflict competent ways to get the other person to listen to you
Conversations flow when people take turns speaking. Turn taking in relaxed settings feels fair and companionable. In conflict, turn taking is used to show why you're right and the other person is wrong. No wonder the other person doesn't give y...